Eragon

Very rarely is it that I find a movie that I can’t find some redeeming factor in. Some small thing that makes it not a complete waste of what little time and energy and money it took to sit down and spend an hour or so watching it. This isn’t to say that I liked the movie, or enjoyed it. But that there was just something in it – a singular funny scene, that it was absolutely gorgeous to look at – something that makes not absolutely infuriating.

It’s also very rare that I’ll do my best to influence other people in seeing or not seeing a movie. Sure I’ll say “oh, it was so good, I think you’d like it” or the such, but almost never do I tell people to not waste their time. To not see a movie even if it’s free to do so.

With Eragon, there wasn’t one single thing that I found to make me feel even remotely okay that I’d sat through it. Nothing. It wasn’t even visually stimulating, because all the CGI looked like it’d been colored in with crayon.

I enjoyed the books, both Eragon and Elder. I went into them knowing they’d been written by somebody young, and indeed, they read like they’d been written by somebody young. But I found the story interesting, and I thought the whole concept was good. A new spin had been put on fantasy worlds, combining many elements that already existed and adding some new ones. Were they perfectly written? No. But I didn’t expect that. What they were, was fun, entertaining, and a nice read.

So I was actually quite disappointed with the fact that this movie – and the makers of it – completely ripped apart the story that had been written, took out all the interesting things, and shoved some of the pieces back together in the dark, while drunk and used crazy glue so other things – bits of dust and trash and the like – stuck to the new creation as well.

The movie I watched is not even close to the book that I read. It’s missing key elements. It’s missing HUGE AND IMPORTANT THINGS. It’s missing what gave the book it’s heart and it’s soul.

I wasn’t impressed. I wasn’t entertained. I wasn’t stimulated. I was sad and disappointed, and found myself the whole time feeling very badly for the poor author who must have seen this and just wanted to cry. Because I wanted to cry for him. And if it had been my story that had ended up like this, I would have cried. And possibly done some physical damage to somebody.

There is no reason for this, either. Saying that they needed to trim it down so it would fit into a certain time slot doesn’t work anymore. Especially after the Lord of the Rings trilogy. That franchise just threw time constraints right out the window. They don’t even have the excuse that kids won’t sit through that, because I know plenty of kids who will sit through multiple screenings of all three movies. They can’t cite replayablity issues, because people world wide will sit and have LOTR parties, where again, they watch all three. Possibly all three in their super extended extra special format.

If you do a movie right, people don’t care how long it is.

And this movie wasn’t done right. It couldn’t even stay consistent in and of itself. There are issues where what the people are doing, or the way they’re acting or the things they’ve said aren’t the same a few minutes later. Not to mention the problem with the dragon armor being different from one scene to the next. I swear that it’s different armor when it’s being shown to Eragon than it is when it’s actually on the dragon. I swear it.

I watched this movie really hoping for a good fantasy movie. Especially considering who some of the cast members were. I would have thought that at least these people, certain ones in particular – such as John Malkovich – would have fought for the integrity of the story. Would have fought to protect the young author’s ideas.

Instead what I got was this piece of trash that I’ve told everybody who will listen not to watch. I can’t let this be supported. I can’t allow such rape of good concepts to happen.

Really. Do not watch this.

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