Prince of Persia (Movie)

I waited a very, very long time to see this movie. I knew how I would feel about it pretty much right away. I love the Prince of Persia franchise. From the very first one that I used to play in elementary school on the school computers, right up until the Two Thrones. I am wildly, madly in love with these games. I remember being pretty excited when I heard that they were going to make a movie, trepedacious, but excited as well. I hoped beyond a hope that this would be the video game movie to break the bad streak of video game movies.

Then I saw the star.

Now, please, for the love of god, do not get me wrong here. I also very much adore Jake Gyllenhaal. I have seen pretty much everything that he has done in his career, and I have found very little to complain about. I think he’s an amazing actor, and has a great range. So it’s nothing at all personal to Jake.

It’s just that… well.

He’s not the Prince.

My excitement didn’t just waver, it sort of completely and utterly deflated and left me with absolutely no wanting to see this movie. That’s a pretty big drop, really. I see now that I should have expected it, given Jake’s appeal and stardom, who was producing the movie, and the fact that there are only a handful of video game movies out there worth their salt (and no, I cannot name them off the top of my head currently, so don’t ask. [but I can say none of them are by Uwe Boll.])

I waited for it to come up on Netflix Streaming until I would watch it. And I wasn’t even really waiting for it. I was just browsing one day, bored, and realized that it was there. I thought “hey, I have a few hours to kill and no desire to think about anything or put much effort into life, why not”.

While I will say that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be, it was bad. It disappointed me that they had to fuck with the story, they had to give everyone names. There wasn’t enough of the Prince jumping around like a supermonkey. It all sort of fell flat. Especially the ending. Flat. Predictable. Boring. About what I had come to anticipate.

I am glad that I watched it. It’s behind me now. I’ve seen it. I have an informed opinion. I wish Netflix had an added star for “meh”. Between “didn’t like it” and “liked it”. I didn’t turn it off. I didn’t loathe it to the core of it’s being. It was disappointing. I won’t ever watch it again, but I sat through it once. There’s no way to reflect that feeling on the Netflix rating system, and there really should be. I have felt that way about more than one movie.

I know it was exciting for Jake to have a role like this, who wouldn’t say yes to being the Prince? But maybe, just maybe, he should have taken a moment and really just thought it out. Asked himself if he was really right for the part, or if he was a fanboy getting his ultimate dream.

My vote? The latter.

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Bioshock (finished)

I am proud to say that shortly before I made my massive cross country move, I managed to finish BioShock. Not that it took a lot of effort. As it goes with games that you’ve fallen in love with, the time slips by unnoticed, you’re startled and confused when you see the sun coming around your curtains or peeking in through the little window in the kitchen door. Really, if I’d only had one day to go through this whole game, I would have done it. Even if it meant driving 26 hours with blurry eyes and the inability to think about anything but Little Sisters and if I should Harvest them.

Overall, a very enjoyable game. Very enjoyable. I will be playing this game again, there is no doubt about that.

Despite my small inability to save the Little Sisters, as I spoke about in a previous post, I did not regret the choices I made or the actions I took. I can play it again and try to save them this time, instead of saving one and then harvesting the next three on reflex. Or… I can try and fail. We’ll see.

I was very happy, very very happy, when I got to put on a Big Daddy costume and lumber about. There are certain sounds that I’m attracted to in games, and I can’t quite explain it or even really know when a particular sound is going to grab a hold of me and make me adore it. The sound of the Big Daddy is one of them. So the fact that I not only got to dress like one, but that I ended up sounding like one, well, it really tickled me. If I could have had more time with that, gone back to some old places and just kind of kicked around for a while, killing those fucking weird ass half dead junkie assholes wantonly, I think I would have been a happy girl for at least a few hours without further need of plot or direction.

I don’t know how I escaped knowing about that particular feature of the game. It’s not like (even though it may at times seem so) I have been living in a cave. People around me have been playing and talking about this game since it came out. SINCE IT CAME OUT. Yet, I had no clue. Somehow the spoilers of this joy flew by me like greased pigeons. I was well and truly surprised at the discovery. And joyful. I cannot go on without saying the word joyful some more. Joyful.

I’m excited to play the next game in the series, whenever I can get my hands on it. Which, given how long it took me for this one, might very well be right around the time they’re making the fourth. I would roll my eyes at myself, but then I’d have to get up and go look in a mirror, and I’m just not that into moving at the moment.

There is nothing more that I can really say. Truly. Love. Deep, penetrating love, filled to the brim love, a little glad I’m behind so I don’t have to wait for more love. Play this game. Play it a lot. Never sell it. Not even if you’re going to starve to death if you don’t.

The Force Unleashed II

I know a lot of people who have played this game and found it to be disappointing. I have heard plenty of complaints about the story and the gameplay, that they were haphazard the both of them.

I, however, very much enjoyed playing the Secret Apprentice again. I thought the story made sense, and I thought that it was very interestingly played out. I didn’t have any issues at all with the game itself.

Of course, there may be some that argue that this is due to my overwhelming love for Star Wars. But I can assure you, there are things within the Star Wars universe that I don’t enjoy. Like the first two prequel movies. And as a gamer, I wouldn’t say that I enjoyed a game if I only liked the concept of it. I play video games because I think they’re fun. If a game is not fun, I put it down. I have done this a couple of times, though for the most part I’ve been pretty good at picking stuff that I enjoy very much.

So yes, I genuinely enjoyed having Starkiller brought back, and I think that they made it so it could happen again. Both endings for Force Unleashed II open things up to another game. Which was something I was concerned about going in, since Force Unleashed didn’t exactly leave room for that. I didn’t know how they were going to pull off explaining how a second game could happen. But I’m satisfied with what they did.

I’m also happy with the mild changes in control of force powers and leveling them up.

On top of really loving this game, the fact that it’s Star Wars and the game itself, I also gained an added bonus for it while playing. I broached 20,000 gamer points with it.

BioShock (oops)

It’s been a while since anybody played BioShock for the first time, I know. I’m behind in some areas of gaming like nobody’s business. I have a stack of games (that’s going to be it’s own post) that I have yet to touch and some of them are ancient in the terms of game life.

BioShock is one of them, and I’ve been finally playing it. Thanks to a friend, I managed to finally find it at a price that I could afford and when I actually had money. (I’ve been having this issue where every time I found this game for sale, it was more than I was willing to pay, or I didn’t have money to purchase it.) And I am enjoying it. Now, I did get to play a teeny bit a long time ago, but I didn’t get very far at all. Like most games I only get to play a little of, I’ve been itching to finish it off since.

My oops comes in to play with the Little Sisters. I really, really intended to save them all, no matter the personal cost. I did. I wanted to see what the special prize was at the end for saving all of them. I really liked the doctor who was encouraging me to save them, and wanted to be on her good side.

I saved one.

Then came the next one. Accidentally or instinctively, I harvested her. Same goes for the one after that. I gave it one more try, and harvest I did. Which, at that point, I realized was what was going to happen for the rest of the game. No need to try to save them all now, was there? I’d already ruined it with the doc.

I think it really goes to show that I’m brutal by nature. Evil to the core of me. I just cannot for the life of me be good without a whole hell of a lot of effort. And sometimes, it’s just not worth that effort.

At least in a first playthrough.

Godfather II (Game)

I gotta say, I really thought there would be a post preempting this one to say how much I was actually afraid to play this game because I liked it so much that the first night I played it, I played for 8 hours straight and didn’t realize until the sun was shining through the window on my kitchen door.

It did continue to eat my life, don’t get me wrong. The second time I played, it was for four hours, and I just finished it up with a three hour stretch. There was no way for me to put down the controller, it just wasn’t happening. The story was great, the game was fantastic.

Remember when I said, back when I talked about the first one, that I wished that there were two more missions? I know why there wasn’t now. Not sure exactly why I didn’t expect them to make another one, the movies are a trilogy, after all. And now I can expect that this will end as a trilogy too. Can’t I? I hope I can.

I really enjoyed some of the added elements in this one. I loved being able to fly to different cities and explore them. Although, I hated Florida. Mostly because it’s really easy to get lost in Florida, and end up going to an island you didn’t intend or need to go to. I was doing that constantly. And it’s my fault, I know. I don’t really use the map system like it’s supposed to be used. I just try to get to the dot. I drive toward it without paying much attention to roads. It results in getting lost, car accidents, and a lot of dead pedestrians.

Don’t think it’s just this game, either. Cause it’s not. It’s all games with maps. I love having maps, but I totally misuse them, and I can admit to that.

I really liked doing favors for people in this one, too. I do wish the favors would have been more random and of a wider variety, but I can’t say it exactly got dull killing people and tearing apart a store.

One of my favorite parts was driving around with the classical music station on, because for the most part it played the more comedic music. William Tell Overture and the like. The things you see in movies to accentuate the funny bits. It really gave a nice soundtrack to things as I ran people over or crashed headlong into cars in the opposite lane because I wasn’t paying attention to the road, just the map.

I was pretty fucking amused the entire time I played, too. Between the story, my own antics, the side quests, the beatings and all the rest of it, I can honestly say that there was not a moment of dullness in this whole thing.

There is one recommendation I want to make: If you’re going to use your guys to go try to take over a business without you, have something of your own to do while it happens. Just sitting there and waiting is probably the one thing that could ruin your play time. I didn’t do this much, myself. I’m more the hands on kind of boss. I like to get in there and shoot guys myself. Also, in doing so, you get to coerce more money out of the owners through violence. How could I say no?

Some thoughts I had while playing

– Does it mean anything that my gangsters all look like greasers?
– Fuck Florida
– No! Guys! Don’t shoot the cops, you’re only going to make things wor… fuck. FUCK. Fuck fuck fuck.
– Well. I didn’t mean to actually kill that guy. Oops.
– Goddamn it. Why would you give me information on how to kill guys in a different state?
– That’s it. I’m killing you all.
– STOP TRYING TO STEAL MY SHIT.
– Cooba.
– You wanted to fuck with me, and now your whole family is dead.
– Hey, guy? Could you please come heal me? Before I die? You have two seconds. You fucker. Were you whacking off over there? I should shoot you in the face.
– Man. I like being in Cuba, but the cops hate me there.
– MOTHER FUCKING FUCK FUCK FLORIDA HIGHWAYS FUCK YOU.
– Now that you’re all dead, I’m going back to Cuba.
– Why are the cops so after my ass all the time? Oh yeah. I tried to assassinate their leader.
– Wow, that sound is dirty.
– I should probably get out of this building before it exp…lodes. …
– My roommate thought this would be amusing to watch before, she should see it now that I have armored cars.
– That’s right, bitches. I rule your world now.

Cowboys & Aliens (graphic novel)

Wow.

I … I really don’t know how to say this, guys. I’m really… I’m really sorry.

I know we all really liked the movie version of Cowboys & Aliens, Daniel Craig did a really fantastic job running around in chaps and hurting people a lot. Really, everyone did a rousing performance in that movie. We enjoyed the way they made the aliens look. We like that the shitty kid got hurt a lot. In general, we just really liked the film.

And in really liking something, we tend to want more of it. So we go around looking for things that can prolong our experiences. Things to make us happy. Things that will bring back that joy we felt while watching shit blow up on the big screen.

Which might lead some of us to the graphic novel. And those of us who find it might become very excited. We might order it on Amazon and wait anxiously for it to be delivered. Once we get it, we might sit for a while, just looking at the cover (a new cover, by the way, not the old one, this one is mighty pretty). We might, then, crack it open to the front page, ready to nestle into our favorite reading spot and relive our glee.

Then we might find ourselves very, very disappointed.

It’s kind of like when you see somebody do something really stupid, but they don’t end up hurting themselves. Or watching a car blow through a red light right in front of a cop, but the cop doesn’t do anything about it. It’s that kind of let down. Enormous. Soul crushing (Okay, that might be going a little too far, maybe).

Pretty much the entire thing is different from the flick, and I can really see why they’d choose to change everything right down to the character’s names, because really, other than the concept, the whole thing sucks. From the start, right to that very last page, you’re going to find yourself wondering what the fuck you just read. Then you’re going to wonder why the fuck you just read it. Believe me, you won’t find a good answer for that. All the reasons previously stated, all that wonderment brought about by the movie, and that need for more of it, it’s going to be gone. Right down the tubes.

Luckily, the movie is so completely different from this bound colorful wad of paper that you won’t even be able to bridge your disappointment of the one to the other. It’s like you’ve seen a Muppet movie and decided to read a how-to guide about frogs to further your fun. There really are only very vague similarities, and those you can ignore or wipe from your mind completely. Don’t fret too much over it. It can be forgotten. I’ve nearly already done so, and it’s only been a couple of days.

I suppose I’ll keep the thing around, because the cover is really very pretty, and I spent money on the thing, so I feel bad doing anything else aside from letting it have some shelf space. But I feel like I really need to spare you from the same fate.

Do not buy it. Do not even read it. If a friend has it and offers to loan it to you, they’re likely trying to pawn it off on you, don’t fall for it. Say ‘Thank you, my good friend, for your thoughts of me on this subject matter, but I must respectfully decline on the basis that you are a liar’. And then maybe quickly leave before your friend tries to sneak it into your car or backpack.

It does make me sad that I have to write words like this about something that should have been good. But I cannot bring myself to lie when things are bad. It’s unfair to the rest of the world. I suffer so that you do not have to. Don’t let my suffering be in vain.