Prince of Persia (Movie)

I waited a very, very long time to see this movie. I knew how I would feel about it pretty much right away. I love the Prince of Persia franchise. From the very first one that I used to play in elementary school on the school computers, right up until the Two Thrones. I am wildly, madly in love with these games. I remember being pretty excited when I heard that they were going to make a movie, trepedacious, but excited as well. I hoped beyond a hope that this would be the video game movie to break the bad streak of video game movies.

Then I saw the star.

Now, please, for the love of god, do not get me wrong here. I also very much adore Jake Gyllenhaal. I have seen pretty much everything that he has done in his career, and I have found very little to complain about. I think he’s an amazing actor, and has a great range. So it’s nothing at all personal to Jake.

It’s just that… well.

He’s not the Prince.

My excitement didn’t just waver, it sort of completely and utterly deflated and left me with absolutely no wanting to see this movie. That’s a pretty big drop, really. I see now that I should have expected it, given Jake’s appeal and stardom, who was producing the movie, and the fact that there are only a handful of video game movies out there worth their salt (and no, I cannot name them off the top of my head currently, so don’t ask. [but I can say none of them are by Uwe Boll.])

I waited for it to come up on Netflix Streaming until I would watch it. And I wasn’t even really waiting for it. I was just browsing one day, bored, and realized that it was there. I thought “hey, I have a few hours to kill and no desire to think about anything or put much effort into life, why not”.

While I will say that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be, it was bad. It disappointed me that they had to fuck with the story, they had to give everyone names. There wasn’t enough of the Prince jumping around like a supermonkey. It all sort of fell flat. Especially the ending. Flat. Predictable. Boring. About what I had come to anticipate.

I am glad that I watched it. It’s behind me now. I’ve seen it. I have an informed opinion. I wish Netflix had an added star for “meh”. Between “didn’t like it” and “liked it”. I didn’t turn it off. I didn’t loathe it to the core of it’s being. It was disappointing. I won’t ever watch it again, but I sat through it once. There’s no way to reflect that feeling on the Netflix rating system, and there really should be. I have felt that way about more than one movie.

I know it was exciting for Jake to have a role like this, who wouldn’t say yes to being the Prince? But maybe, just maybe, he should have taken a moment and really just thought it out. Asked himself if he was really right for the part, or if he was a fanboy getting his ultimate dream.

My vote? The latter.

The Vanguard

I know this was a requested movie. Somebody said that they wanted me to review it, but I can’t think of who it was now.

Whoever you are? I’m sorry. But I couldn’t get any further than about 10 minutes in. It was so very bad. The acting was horrible. The story stopped appealing to me entirely right away, and even the way it looked turned me off.

I’m not a big budget snob, I’ve had plenty of low budget films I’ve enjoyed that look low budget, but there was something about this one I couldn’t tolerate. Maybe because of the other factors. I don’t know.

I tried. I’m so sorry. But I did try.

But obviously I can’t give this a full review.

The guy on the bike also pissed me off for reasons I can’t quite pinpoint.

Rockabilly Vampire

Yeah.

Uhm. Yep.

It’s not the best movie ever. The story kind of goes nowhere. Certain things are likely collecting dust in somebody’s basement version of a cutting room floor, leaving out essential items that might have helped the story flow.

Acting’s bad. Really bad.

It’s not exactly shot with much care put into what the viewer would be looking at, nor is the camera very expensive.

These things all generally make for a bad movie. It would get a great big boo from me, and I’d rip it to shreds.

Maybe it’s getting a little bit of the lax treatment because it’s got Rockabilly kids in it, and I’m more than a little partial to that and I feel like it needs to be done more. In good ways. Put some more rockabilly music in movies, too, while you’re at it.

No. Okay. I’m going to be 100% honest here. Truthful down to the bone.

I didn’t let the badness of this movie slide because of music or fashion or anything to do with the rockabilly lifestyle. I didn’t let it go because of distributors being who they were.

I did it purely for aesthetics.
Shallow.
Superficial.
Petty.
Visual candy that takes up most of the screen time all the way through the movie.

Paul Stevenson

Why has this kid not done more? I mean, he doesn’t have to talk. You don’t have to give him any lines. Just put him on the screen. Or take photos of him and put them on the internet. He’s absolutely stunningly beautiful, and I feel cheated because not only did I have to watch a pretty damned bad movie to get my fill of him, but because it’s about the only one he’s ever been in. There should be swarms of movie directors and casting agents all over him. Modeling companies should be fighting each other viciously to have this boy in their arsenal.

It’s a damned shame, you people. Damned shame. Damned damned damned shame.

And just in case you were wondering, yes, I would watch this movie all over again just to look at his pretty pretty face.

Dinosaurus! – Request

I kind of figured I was going to dig this movie during the opening credits.

First there’s really big music the whole first part, and when you think it can’t possibly get any bigger:

DAH
D
DAH
I
DAH
N
DAY
O…. and so on until you’ve got Dinosaurus written across the whole screen in squiggly yellow letters, then an extra big
DAAUH
!
That’s right. There’s an exclamation point in the title. Proof that the movie is going to be unlike anything you have ever seen before!

The beauty of movies like these isn’t that they’re perfect. It’s all the imperfections that make it wonderful. Like the abnormally slow talking island Mexicans. Or the head island Mexican who speaks in a French accent. The wonderfully drunk Irishman who talks to the dinosaurs. The extremely random steel drum band with Jamacan flag colors painted on the drums and the only black guy on the whole island. By the way, I’m pretty sure he was also supposed to be Mexican.

I did quite enjoy the fact that nobody seemed particularly upset that the dinosaurs got up and ran around. Everyone was level headed and thinking correctly. Everyone knew just what to do to be safe, and not one person stood there like an asshole staring at the dinosaurs while they ate him. Which is how I think it would go in real life.

You’ve got awfully pointy teeth for an herbivore, Mr Brontosaurus.

This movie is fantastic in it’s absurdity. I very much enjoyed watching it. Sometimes camp can be a wonderful thing, and when that happens, there’s a certain magic…

Whatever. Just find this movie. And watch it. And giggle along at the caveman when he tries on a dress.