Prince of Persia (Movie)

I waited a very, very long time to see this movie. I knew how I would feel about it pretty much right away. I love the Prince of Persia franchise. From the very first one that I used to play in elementary school on the school computers, right up until the Two Thrones. I am wildly, madly in love with these games. I remember being pretty excited when I heard that they were going to make a movie, trepedacious, but excited as well. I hoped beyond a hope that this would be the video game movie to break the bad streak of video game movies.

Then I saw the star.

Now, please, for the love of god, do not get me wrong here. I also very much adore Jake Gyllenhaal. I have seen pretty much everything that he has done in his career, and I have found very little to complain about. I think he’s an amazing actor, and has a great range. So it’s nothing at all personal to Jake.

It’s just that… well.

He’s not the Prince.

My excitement didn’t just waver, it sort of completely and utterly deflated and left me with absolutely no wanting to see this movie. That’s a pretty big drop, really. I see now that I should have expected it, given Jake’s appeal and stardom, who was producing the movie, and the fact that there are only a handful of video game movies out there worth their salt (and no, I cannot name them off the top of my head currently, so don’t ask. [but I can say none of them are by Uwe Boll.])

I waited for it to come up on Netflix Streaming until I would watch it. And I wasn’t even really waiting for it. I was just browsing one day, bored, and realized that it was there. I thought “hey, I have a few hours to kill and no desire to think about anything or put much effort into life, why not”.

While I will say that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be, it was bad. It disappointed me that they had to fuck with the story, they had to give everyone names. There wasn’t enough of the Prince jumping around like a supermonkey. It all sort of fell flat. Especially the ending. Flat. Predictable. Boring. About what I had come to anticipate.

I am glad that I watched it. It’s behind me now. I’ve seen it. I have an informed opinion. I wish Netflix had an added star for “meh”. Between “didn’t like it” and “liked it”. I didn’t turn it off. I didn’t loathe it to the core of it’s being. It was disappointing. I won’t ever watch it again, but I sat through it once. There’s no way to reflect that feeling on the Netflix rating system, and there really should be. I have felt that way about more than one movie.

I know it was exciting for Jake to have a role like this, who wouldn’t say yes to being the Prince? But maybe, just maybe, he should have taken a moment and really just thought it out. Asked himself if he was really right for the part, or if he was a fanboy getting his ultimate dream.

My vote? The latter.

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Outpost Kaloki X (Finished)

I actually finished this game not long after I made the post about finally buying it. I guess I should have written this up then, but I didn’t even think about it.

As I said previously, I first played this game when I was a game tester. I would fiddle around with it when I was on breaks and when there was nothing else for me to do. I loved it then. The second time I played it, I was sharing an Xbox, and when I finally got my own, the game wouldn’t transfer.

Well, this time I was finally successful in playing through the whole thing. Maybe not the whole thing, because I didn’t know about all the extra stuff that they’d added since the last time I’d gotten a chance to play. The downloadable content is crazy. There are all sorts of challenge maps to do now. I haven’t even started on those.

But the core game, the thing that I’d been aiming for, was everything I remembered. It held my attention through the entire thing, and even managed to make me angry a couple of times. There’s nothing like trying to build a space station with a specific goal in mind when you’ve got aliens bombing you and a timer ticking away to raise the ire.

I’m glad that I finally made the purchase and that I finally got to play through the game all the way. I’m also glad that I didn’t have previous save games to start from, because I would have been lost pretty quickly. I had forgotten what every button did by the time I started it all back up again.

Next up: Trying out those other maps. They seem pretty interesting.

The Movie To Lull Your Enemies With

There’s this movie that I have in my VHS collection and I don’t like to admit it’s there, but it is. I only have it on VHS because it was a quarter, and I’m pretty sure that nobody is going to bring it to DVD, ever. Not that I’d buy it.

I saw this film for the first time when I was young. I remember having flashes of a black eyed man killing a man who looked exactly like him for a really long time. It was one of those movies that your adult mind believes you probably just made it up because it’s so ridiculously absurd that it couldn’t possibly be real, and nobody but you has seen it anyway. Because NOBODY knows what the hell you’re talking about when you try to describe it. (I had this same issue with The Brave Little Toaster)

When I saw the VHS, it all hit me suddenly. I remembered everything about the movie from that long ago day. Except, of course, where I saw it.

I’m not going to tell you to watch it, because you shouldn’t. It’s a bad movie filled with really bad 80’s cheese and a whole lot of 80’s hair. I can’t say that any part of this movie is good. The whole premise is a badly made amalgum of Lord Of The Rings and space.

I watch it myself only when desperate. When my sleeping medications are in full effect, yet I can’t sleep. When the nights have blurred into weeks, and I just need to shut down. This movie has the uncanny ability to bore me to tears and unconsciousness nearly every time. (Note, I do have to have taken the sleeping pills, or have been up for several days for this tactic to work. Otherwise, I’m just watching a really shitty movie) There’s something special in the way it’s set up, I think. The right blend of soft focus and a hero who smiles at times when he shouldn’t. Complete with a heroine in a billowy white dress running around a seashell-like castle interior while a power hungry “beast” mocks and chases her.

There, I’ve given away the whole plot.

Oh wait. I have to add that the two main characters have arranged to be married so they can become king and queen and help to unite two warring countries. And there’s a cyclops.

I’m pretty sure that this movie was a curse on it’s actors, because not many of them came out as a recognizable and working product of the film industry. One happens to be Liam Neeson. And yes, there will come a day when I will meet Mr Neeson and hand over my copy of Krull to be signed. I hope that he’s aware of what he’s put out into the universe.

Even the mystical weapon in this movie is ridiculous. There’s no way it would function in any way other than cutting off your own hand if you looked at … well, anything. The Glave, it’s called. They talk about it through the entire film like it’s going to save everything, and I suppose it does. But all I can think of when I see it is “Maybe the kings of old kept it hidden so nobody else would lose a finger”.

Rockabilly Vampire

Yeah.

Uhm. Yep.

It’s not the best movie ever. The story kind of goes nowhere. Certain things are likely collecting dust in somebody’s basement version of a cutting room floor, leaving out essential items that might have helped the story flow.

Acting’s bad. Really bad.

It’s not exactly shot with much care put into what the viewer would be looking at, nor is the camera very expensive.

These things all generally make for a bad movie. It would get a great big boo from me, and I’d rip it to shreds.

Maybe it’s getting a little bit of the lax treatment because it’s got Rockabilly kids in it, and I’m more than a little partial to that and I feel like it needs to be done more. In good ways. Put some more rockabilly music in movies, too, while you’re at it.

No. Okay. I’m going to be 100% honest here. Truthful down to the bone.

I didn’t let the badness of this movie slide because of music or fashion or anything to do with the rockabilly lifestyle. I didn’t let it go because of distributors being who they were.

I did it purely for aesthetics.
Shallow.
Superficial.
Petty.
Visual candy that takes up most of the screen time all the way through the movie.

Paul Stevenson

Why has this kid not done more? I mean, he doesn’t have to talk. You don’t have to give him any lines. Just put him on the screen. Or take photos of him and put them on the internet. He’s absolutely stunningly beautiful, and I feel cheated because not only did I have to watch a pretty damned bad movie to get my fill of him, but because it’s about the only one he’s ever been in. There should be swarms of movie directors and casting agents all over him. Modeling companies should be fighting each other viciously to have this boy in their arsenal.

It’s a damned shame, you people. Damned shame. Damned damned damned shame.

And just in case you were wondering, yes, I would watch this movie all over again just to look at his pretty pretty face.

Heavy Metal

Sometimes you can’t go back, and sometimes, even if you can, you shouldn’t. You should just hold in your memory the way things were way back when. There should be no attempt to reclaim youth, or fond memories.

Becomes sometimes those memories fall short.

If I ever needed a clear example of that, I could find it easily in Heavy Metal. Some things can stand the test of time, others make you wonder what the hell you were thinking. Heavy Metal kind of makes me sad to have watched it again. When I was younger, I remember I thought this was one of the best things I’d ever seen. I even remember the magazine of the same name.

I have to believe, now that I’m significantly older than the last time I saw this, that the entire purpose to the movie – and magazine – was the boobs. Perhaps the violence, too. Back then, this must have been one of the goriest things ever. Outside of those two things? I suppose the art is okay, despite some of the characters being ridiculously misproportioned. Funny enough, it’s not just the women. At the start there’s this guy running around with a torso twice as big as the rest of his body.

The last chick in the whole story, the so-called badass? She seems to be less of a badass and more of the “ideal woman”. She’s strong. She’s got HUGE breasts. Long flowing hair. She got make-up tips from The Misfits (oh, not the real life band, the all girl band from Jem). She’s dangerous. Also? She never says a single word! That’s right boys, everything you’ve ever wanted in a girl. Can kick your ass, but can’t tell anybody about it. For some unknown reason.

Really, should have left this one in the past. Where it belongs. So destroyed what was once a nice childhood memory. Take my advice, and leave it the hell alone.

Also – extra slow motion in cartoons is ridiculous. It just leaves things feeling sluggish.

The Mangler – Request

A lot of Stephen King stories that get translated into movies end up being extraordinarily bad. I’m not exactly sure why, considering the stories themselves are quite good. I think it might have to do with the fact that he doesn’t really have anything to do with the movies. If I were him, I’d have some kind of clause in all sales of rights that lets me have final say in what happens, how things look, and the story as a whole.

This one turns out to be slightly better, but not by much. It definitely isn’t a quality flick. Bad acting, bad attempt at extending the story to movie length. Addition of a freezer haunted by a tornado is completely unfathomable. Also – lame.

As the move progressed, it did nothing but get steadily sillier. It’s very unfortunate, the story in it’s original form is good and creepy, very suspenseful. The idea of a machine gaining sentience and deciding it really likes blood has the potential to be a very intense idea. There isn’t one part of the movie that has the feel of the book. Trying to “make sense” of things by talking about ghosts and demons just came off as pathetic. And really, now that I think about it, there’s not a whole lot of the original story in the movie at all.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop – Request

I feel like I’ve watched a million Sandler-associated movies in the past while. Sometimes without even knowing it when I wade in.

10 minutes into this movie and I just had to pause it to say – Really?

I think that whoever was in charge of promotion for this movie ought to be fired. They did such a spectacularly shit job of it.

I was seriously ready to be pissed off at having to watch this movie because somebody requested it. I had a nagging feeling, though, that there was malice aforethought. I was pretty firmly in the idea that this was going to be one of the stupidest movies I ever sat through.

While I’m not going to want to own this one, I’m also not left wishing for my time back. I would have been irritated if I spent money to see it in a theater, but it was amusing enough to sit through once, on my couch, where I could turn it off without guilt at any time.

Also, like I hinted at earlier, not at all what they made me think I was in for. I believed I was going to witness a huge slapstick, physical comedy, silly-packed brainless experience. Instead, I discover a plot that somebody actually put effort into. Yeah, there are some goofy bits, but not a whole never ending string of them. It had nicely timed silly bits. Which made some of them actually funny enough to laugh at.

I didn’t have a lot of faith in Kevin James either, to be honest. He’s not exactly one of my favorite actors, and I was really wary at his ability to … well. Pull himself out of the hole that Chuck and Larry must have put him into. (Didn’t see it. Won’t.) But he also surprised me.

I guess what I’m saying is, don’t get too pissed off if somebody sits you down and forces you to watch it. You won’t feel the need to rip out your eyes or bash your friend to death with their own ottoman.