The movie where fucking everybody and their mother dies.
I gotta say, I really thought there would be a post preempting this one to say how much I was actually afraid to play this game because I liked it so much that the first night I played it, I played for 8 hours straight and didn’t realize until the sun was shining through the window on my kitchen door.
It did continue to eat my life, don’t get me wrong. The second time I played, it was for four hours, and I just finished it up with a three hour stretch. There was no way for me to put down the controller, it just wasn’t happening. The story was great, the game was fantastic.
Remember when I said, back when I talked about the first one, that I wished that there were two more missions? I know why there wasn’t now. Not sure exactly why I didn’t expect them to make another one, the movies are a trilogy, after all. And now I can expect that this will end as a trilogy too. Can’t I? I hope I can.
I really enjoyed some of the added elements in this one. I loved being able to fly to different cities and explore them. Although, I hated Florida. Mostly because it’s really easy to get lost in Florida, and end up going to an island you didn’t intend or need to go to. I was doing that constantly. And it’s my fault, I know. I don’t really use the map system like it’s supposed to be used. I just try to get to the dot. I drive toward it without paying much attention to roads. It results in getting lost, car accidents, and a lot of dead pedestrians.
Don’t think it’s just this game, either. Cause it’s not. It’s all games with maps. I love having maps, but I totally misuse them, and I can admit to that.
I really liked doing favors for people in this one, too. I do wish the favors would have been more random and of a wider variety, but I can’t say it exactly got dull killing people and tearing apart a store.
One of my favorite parts was driving around with the classical music station on, because for the most part it played the more comedic music. William Tell Overture and the like. The things you see in movies to accentuate the funny bits. It really gave a nice soundtrack to things as I ran people over or crashed headlong into cars in the opposite lane because I wasn’t paying attention to the road, just the map.
I was pretty fucking amused the entire time I played, too. Between the story, my own antics, the side quests, the beatings and all the rest of it, I can honestly say that there was not a moment of dullness in this whole thing.
There is one recommendation I want to make: If you’re going to use your guys to go try to take over a business without you, have something of your own to do while it happens. Just sitting there and waiting is probably the one thing that could ruin your play time. I didn’t do this much, myself. I’m more the hands on kind of boss. I like to get in there and shoot guys myself. Also, in doing so, you get to coerce more money out of the owners through violence. How could I say no?
Some thoughts I had while playing
– Does it mean anything that my gangsters all look like greasers?
– Fuck Florida
– No! Guys! Don’t shoot the cops, you’re only going to make things wor… fuck. FUCK. Fuck fuck fuck.
– Well. I didn’t mean to actually kill that guy. Oops.
– Goddamn it. Why would you give me information on how to kill guys in a different state?
– That’s it. I’m killing you all.
– STOP TRYING TO STEAL MY SHIT.
– You wanted to fuck with me, and now your whole family is dead.
– Hey, guy? Could you please come heal me? Before I die? You have two seconds. You fucker. Were you whacking off over there? I should shoot you in the face.
– Man. I like being in Cuba, but the cops hate me there.
– MOTHER FUCKING FUCK FUCK FLORIDA HIGHWAYS FUCK YOU.
– Now that you’re all dead, I’m going back to Cuba.
– Why are the cops so after my ass all the time? Oh yeah. I tried to assassinate their leader.
– Wow, that sound is dirty.
– I should probably get out of this building before it exp…lodes. …
– My roommate thought this would be amusing to watch before, she should see it now that I have armored cars.
– That’s right, bitches. I rule your world now.
How in the sake of fuck did this book get translated into a movie? No no, don’t get me wrong. I adored the book. I like all of his writing. But what rocket scientist did they find to make this into a movie script? It’s just so … freaking… I don’t even know. It’s so complicated and involved.
However it happened, I’ve got the movie on my Netflix queue. I think I’ll move it to the top to ease my curiosity. Plus, apparently it’s got Kevin Spacey in it, and I adore him.
The back of the book has the best way to describe the style of this book: Noir written in shorthand.
I’ve been trying to explain to people how it reads by using the words “razor blades” “quick” and “jagged”. Nobody quite gets what I’m saying though, so I think I’ll resort to the reviewer’s explanation.
By the way, no matter how smart you think you are, the ending will fuck you up.
When you’ve finished reading one thing, a lot of people don’t even think before picking up the next book and beginning it. I think this might be why some obviously intelligent people detest some obviously amazing work.
It’s because there are some authors you can jump between with no issue, and there are some that shouldn’t even be attempted. The authors I will use in my examples are Stephen King, Dean Koontz, Charlaine Harris, James Ellroy, Bret Easton Ellis, and Chuck Palahniuk (here we get the most dramatic effect)
Going from Koontz to King is an easy jump. Back is also not an issue. But Koontz to Harris is not a good one to try, and Harris to King will fuck your brain sideways. Harris to Palahniuk would go smoothly, but I don’t think I’d try to reverse that, ever. Palahniuk followed by Ellis would be a smooth transition, as would Ellis into Ellroy. They’ve got that kind of disjointed, raw thinking style, and while Palahniuk doesn’t do that, he’s gritty and raw enough in other ares to keep up. Your head might explode if you went Ellroy to Harris, and especially if you went Ellis to Harris, however, and I can’t think of a good reason to do that sort of thing.
I have just discovered, through actions taken by me in life, that finishing a novel by King and immediately picking one up by Ellroy is not the smartest thing in the world to do. Muscle relaxers and pain killers did not help this in any way, but I don’t think it would have been an easy transition to make even without the help of narcotics.
Moving from a novel of fluid and heavy handed explanation that paints a picture even a blind person could imagine, to a novel of abrupt ends and a serrated edge was like a slap in the face with a block of ice.
I can’t really think of anything that would have made it easier other than just waiting until morning to start the new book. Give my brain some time to digest King’s work and then slowly consuming Ellroy’s.
Samuel L. Jackson is a complete badass on his worst day. If he were sick in bed with Mono and Swine Flu, he’d still be more of a badass than the entire rest of the planet combined. He could out badass anybody at any time.
To put such a colossal badass in the role of a badguy? It makes one hell of a fucking badguy. Scary as shit. I sure as hell wouldn’t want to cross him. Ever. Goddamn. I would either follow the guy’s rules, or move to the complete opposite side of the world as soon as possible.
Then. Then, my friends, you give the motherfucker a badge and power. He didn’t really need it, because his personal authority exceeds many things that a mere mortal could dream of pulling off, but some crazy sonofabitch decided to make this guy capable of legally carrying a firearm. Again, not that he needs it. He doesn’t even need the handcuffs. His very presence can paralyze a person in their tracks. See? No handcuffs required. No gun required because he’ll just give you a heart attack in one glance.
Now that I’ve thoroughly discussed His Royal Awesomeness, I can get to the actual story.
I’d thought it was going to be more than a little slow at the start. I was wrong. I thought it was going to be very difficult to make a story revolving around suburbanites dramatic or dark. I was wrong. I thought it was going to be a little dull. I was wrong. I also thought I probably wouldn’t like it, despite SLJ. Wrong again.
Boy am I happy to be wrong.
Tata tang tang tang tang tangtang tang…
Even if you’ve never actually seen the movie, you know the song. You know it even if you don’t think that you do. It’s been referenced in countless media since this movie came out in 1972. It’s called Dueling Banjos. Mentioned the banjos and it pricked something in your brain, didn’t it?
There’s another thing you might recognize that you didn’t know came from this movie. A nice little line that can send goosebumps across the flesh of many men:
“Squeal like a pig”
Burt Reynolds plays the most aggressive and bad ass tree hugging hippie that has ever existed on this planet. His friends are less than knowledgeable and capable than he is, so they don’t really fare so well when the shit flies. They’re not sure how to stop bad things from happening, and are a little too talky for their own good. Find themselves in a world of trouble, and it just keeps getting worse.
But when you’ve got a guy who can hunt fish – yes, hunt, with a bow – there’s not a whole lot you have to worry about, right?
Just when it seems like things are going to be okay, he unfortunately breaks his leg and turns into a giant whiny bitch. He really stops being useful in any way, and keeps making faces as if somebody has run over his puppy AND his grandmother.
This is one of those iconic movies that everybody should see once, just so you can say you saw it. I don’t think it’s culturally significant in any way, but it’s a hell of a thing to observe. It’s the sort of experience that won’t happen anywhere else, with any other movie. One of those movies that people try to lie about having seen, and it doesn’t work, because the lie is just too obvious.
Now that I’ve seen it twice in my life, I think I’m good. There’s no way that I can forget parts of it now, no sir. Firmly set in my brain, it is.