Prince of Persia (Movie)

I waited a very, very long time to see this movie. I knew how I would feel about it pretty much right away. I love the Prince of Persia franchise. From the very first one that I used to play in elementary school on the school computers, right up until the Two Thrones. I am wildly, madly in love with these games. I remember being pretty excited when I heard that they were going to make a movie, trepedacious, but excited as well. I hoped beyond a hope that this would be the video game movie to break the bad streak of video game movies.

Then I saw the star.

Now, please, for the love of god, do not get me wrong here. I also very much adore Jake Gyllenhaal. I have seen pretty much everything that he has done in his career, and I have found very little to complain about. I think he’s an amazing actor, and has a great range. So it’s nothing at all personal to Jake.

It’s just that… well.

He’s not the Prince.

My excitement didn’t just waver, it sort of completely and utterly deflated and left me with absolutely no wanting to see this movie. That’s a pretty big drop, really. I see now that I should have expected it, given Jake’s appeal and stardom, who was producing the movie, and the fact that there are only a handful of video game movies out there worth their salt (and no, I cannot name them off the top of my head currently, so don’t ask. [but I can say none of them are by Uwe Boll.])

I waited for it to come up on Netflix Streaming until I would watch it. And I wasn’t even really waiting for it. I was just browsing one day, bored, and realized that it was there. I thought “hey, I have a few hours to kill and no desire to think about anything or put much effort into life, why not”.

While I will say that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be, it was bad. It disappointed me that they had to fuck with the story, they had to give everyone names. There wasn’t enough of the Prince jumping around like a supermonkey. It all sort of fell flat. Especially the ending. Flat. Predictable. Boring. About what I had come to anticipate.

I am glad that I watched it. It’s behind me now. I’ve seen it. I have an informed opinion. I wish Netflix had an added star for “meh”. Between “didn’t like it” and “liked it”. I didn’t turn it off. I didn’t loathe it to the core of it’s being. It was disappointing. I won’t ever watch it again, but I sat through it once. There’s no way to reflect that feeling on the Netflix rating system, and there really should be. I have felt that way about more than one movie.

I know it was exciting for Jake to have a role like this, who wouldn’t say yes to being the Prince? But maybe, just maybe, he should have taken a moment and really just thought it out. Asked himself if he was really right for the part, or if he was a fanboy getting his ultimate dream.

My vote? The latter.


Beautiful Katamari

When I first got this game, I really adored the concept. I loved the story that set up what you had to do. Everything about it suited me just fine. I was excited to play it, and popped it into my machine as soon as I got it home.

I enjoyed it for about 20 minutes. A couple of levels.

After that, it was just tedium for me. I stopped being intrigued by all the things that I could roll up into a ball with me. Then, on top of it, the music started to make me feel like I wanted to put a hole in my head. There were all these little annoyances that I might have been able to handle individually, but all together, were just too much.

I put the game down for three years. I didn’t touch it, and I didn’t look at it. I didn’t even think about it. I’m not against giving something another shot after I’ve had some time away from it to cool down and maybe get out of whatever mind set I might have been in at the time. Look at it freshly, you know? Under different mental circumstances.

So while I was going through all of my partially played games, I noticed that it was still there, and decided to add it to the end of that pile. I figured by the time I got through all the other games, I would be ready for it again. I could give it that second change. Let it show me that I had been wrong, or just in a bad place for it the last go around.

It’s time finally arrived. I popped it into my Xbox and sat down to play.

I discovered that I felt the exact same way.

I went ahead and did a couple more levels, just to be extra sure. But nothing changed for me. I wanted to like this game, I wanted to like it so very much. But I just didn’t. I couldn’t even get halfway through it. There was no way to force myself. I ended up giving it to a friend who I knew would appreciate it more than I would, and she did. She played through it pretty quickly, actually. I’m glad that somebody got joy and enjoyment out of it, because I couldn’t.

There haven’t been any sort of large number of games that I have started and were unable to finish because of my dislike. In fact, the only two I can really think of are this one and Watchmen: The End is Nigh. Oh, and don’t get me wrong. My apathy toward Katamari is nothing close to my loathing of Watchmen: The End Is Nigh. I am of a general indifference toward Beautiful Katamari. I hated Watchmen deep into the core of me. There was nothing redeeming about that game, and I think if anybody handed it to me, I’d light it on fire.

It does actually make me a little bit sad that I couldn’t get into Katamari. I know that a lot of people had fun with it. It makes me wonder why I couldn’t manage to have fun with it.

Oh well. We can’t win them all, can we?

But considering my point of view compared to all the others out there, I can’t honestly say that anybody should or should not pick this one up. I feel as if I’m in the minority here, thus making me an unreliable source.

The Vanguard

I know this was a requested movie. Somebody said that they wanted me to review it, but I can’t think of who it was now.

Whoever you are? I’m sorry. But I couldn’t get any further than about 10 minutes in. It was so very bad. The acting was horrible. The story stopped appealing to me entirely right away, and even the way it looked turned me off.

I’m not a big budget snob, I’ve had plenty of low budget films I’ve enjoyed that look low budget, but there was something about this one I couldn’t tolerate. Maybe because of the other factors. I don’t know.

I tried. I’m so sorry. But I did try.

But obviously I can’t give this a full review.

The guy on the bike also pissed me off for reasons I can’t quite pinpoint.

An American Haunting

Oh, how I tried to like you, movie. I tried so very hard. You had so many elements that I find enjoying. So very many of them. It started, but didn’t end, with Donald Sutherland. I know, not everything he’s been in is the best thing on the planet, but he’s done better at choosing his roles as he gets older. Knowing more what will have public appeal and what will just fail. So I had hopes for him, I did. You were also a movie about haunting, from everything that was written or said about you – EVER. I do like hauntings, movie. I like them quite a bit. It’s really not difficult to please me in this realm, movie. Even if I don’t think I’ll watch a movie again, I can usually derive something from some part of it and come away feeling as if I’ve not wasted two hours of my life.

But you, movie. You did not pass muster. You did not even attempt to meet up with Muster on the battlefield of cinema. I’m pretty sure, actually, that you couldn’t even see Muster from where you were standing – back there in the woods, over an embankment, hiding behind that tree.

What you turned out to be, movie, was a colossal waste of my time. I came away feeling cheated and sad. Used and put away wet. I feel like you didn’t even try to be a real movie after the first twenty minutes. If we’ve learned anything from Pinocchio, it’s that we must try when we want to be real, we must put effort into life, or it’s meaningless.

You, movie, are meaningless.

I was so disappointed as I watched you and you just kept getting worse. I didn’t think it was possible, but it kept happening. I should have known when my gut said “My, those slaps are awfully silly.” But I didn’t. I tried to reason that away with the excuse they tried to give in the script. I should have listened to my gut, really, I should have.

But that hope, it lingered. It lingered until the very end when I just had to finally give in and recommend that they take you out and shoot you, to put you out of your misery. Because you are a lame horse, movie, and you’ll do nobody any good. You’ll probably just suck on the fence and hurt yourself by trying to run when all of your legs are broken.

I do have a tip for you, movie. Hopefully if you ever get reincarnated, you can hold onto this – if you are putting entire scenes that are use IN THE MOVIE with your “alternate scenes” just to have more padding and content, you are failing. If most of your “alternate scenes” are just the same exact scene from a different camera angle, you are failing. And, should I watch your “alternate scenes” and not actually be able to tell the difference between what I just watched and what is supposed to be new, you have failed completely.

I have to give you an F, movie. In all subjects. Believe me, it makes me sad. But remember, I tried – oh so hard – to like you. I was rooting for you from the start. I was behind you, cheering you on, and you let me down.

I hope I never see you again, movie. Because I feel that if I do, I may have to find some matches.


And sometimes judging by the cover of something just doesn’t work out for you.

Between the half assed description from Netflix and the cover of this movie, I think I didn’t really stand a chance here. It was all stacked up against me from the get go. I, for one, would really like to know who is responsible for these movie descriptions, because they’re not accurate, they’re not telling. They’re not helpful at all.

The IMDB synopsis is: A drama set in the Mississippi delta, where one man’s suicide affects three people’s lives.

The Netflix synopsis is: In a small Mississippi Delta township, one of the poorest places in the rich nation of America, a single mother struggles to provide for herself and her son. Their fragile lives are tragically ripped apart when an extreme act of violence occurs.

In much fewer words, the IMDB description more fully illustrates what is going on in this film. In reading that, I wouldn’t have picked this movie to watch. It’s not something that would have interested me so much. I mean, it sounds fine, but I really wasn’t in the mood for any sort of family drama type movie.

The words that got me into this were “Extreme act of violence”. When you tell me that there’s going to be an extreme act of violence, I damn well expect there to be a motherfucking extreme act of violence. Oh, there was violence, don’t get me wrong. But a kid getting hit some, a guy shooting himself in the chest, and a very brief and ineffectual attack on mother and son where all they do is chase them out of the car into a field…

Not extreme violence.

I sort of expected this at the very least to be hard hitting and poignant. A very… stark sort of reality piece. That is not what I got. I can’t even really say that the catalyst for this entire movie – the suicide – was all that turbulent. I just didn’t feel any emotion from the actors. I knew what they were supposed to be going through, what they were supposed to be feeling, but I just… it didn’t come through. It sort of felt like they were all incredibly bored with the whole thing.

Almost the entire first portion of the movie is people driving around. Not to really interesting places, either. Just sort of … back and forth. Going home. La di da. There’s no reason for it at all. Every single driving-to-a-place scene could have been completely left out of the movie and I STILL would have gotten the idea that they went to some other place. You know why? Scenery. Yes. I am attentive. I don’t need it to be pointed out to me that the little boy went to a crack den. Because the crack den does not look like his mother’s house. At all.

The last thing that really bugged me about this movie is just the general way that it was cut together. The editor did a really shitty job of making the story flow well. It’s choppy. It’s dragging. It’s just not… not good.

Okay, one more thing: The ending. What the fuck is with that? Just dropping off out of nowhere? You give me this really long ass story about this kid and all of a sudden right when something mildly interesting happens, you’re just going to stop?

Yeah. I might be a little pissed off at this movie.


This was supposed to be some massively controversial flick because Dakota Fanning plays the victim of a rape during it. While that’s really a horrible thing to go through, you don’t see anything, really. You see her and blackness. You hear sounds. She’s screaming. The rape is thusly implied.

But it’s really not enough to get your panties in a bunch for.

Not exactly sure why I watched this movie. Maybe I was hoping it would bore me to sleep. Unfortunately, it didn’t. And just when the thing had potential to get interesting, it ended.

I was never a huge Dakota Fanning fan, and this film didn’t do anything to raise my opinion of her in any way. Her acting was bad. Whoever directed her did a bad job. The story was really boring. Boring story just amplified bad acting.

Then on top of it all, they butcher the shit out of Elvis over and over and over and over and over, until you can hardly remember what his song sounds like coming out of his mouth.

This certainly was a waste of time.

Weeds – 2

Yes, I just finished out the second season of Weeds. No, I am no more impressed than I was previously.

There were, I have to grant it, more of the funny lines, more of the funny situations. More fucked up, as it went. But it wasn’t anything that I didn’t expect, considering. The situations, I mean.

Except for the crazy girlfriend who shows up out of nowhere who just felt like she was thrown in to give the uncle more screen time. Don’t get me wrong, I adore Zooey. I think she’s wonderful, and great at what she does. I still don’t think that her part in this show was really …. necessary.

I also got to discover that I hate that stupid fucking intro song no matter who sings it. Or, in once case, if nobody sings it. I hate it. I hate it and it’s now stuck in my head because it’s not a hard song, and the lyrics are slightly repetitive, so there it is, in my brain, eating away at the things I need, so that I find myself sitting in the bathtub fucking singing it.

Or some variation of it with my own words trying to make it vacate it’s tenancy.

As far as I am concerned, everybody is dead at the end of season two. It works for me. I stand by my previous comment that it’s not the worst show in the world. It’s really not horrible, I guess I’m just really annoyed that everybody else enjoys it so much and I find it dull. I want to be in the circle. I want to be part of the in crowd, a cool kid. I want to say – Hey, yeah, I watch Weeds, cool, so do you. But I can’t. Because I don’t like it enough.

And if that song doesn’t get out of my head in the next day, my brain is going to have to find itself a new home.