(Yeah, I’m in it)
(Yeah, I’m in it)
This is not a writeup about the show House, where a snarky doctor pops Vicodin and solves medical mysteries. If that’s what you’re looking for, turn back now. This has nothing to do with that show, and never will. There are no similarities, except for maybe that some of the actors are male.
There are lots of movies out there about haunted houses and people getting trapped in them. Or people spending the night in one and then getting trapped in them. Or people going to a house because they’re lost/car’s broken/think it’s a nice hotel and then get trapped in it. It’s a familiar story, and it can be said that it’s a little played out. But then, you could really say that about every movie out there, couldn’t you? All stories have already been told, it’s the way in which they’re done that we should be looking at.
And by god.
I think I originally began to watch this because I thought it would be crap, and maybe it would help me fall asleep. Michael Madsen was obviously another pull. He’s okay in my book. But it’s very likely that I didn’t really have much hope, though I swear to you now that I recall no such thoughts happening.
Mostly because this movie just blew all such thoughts right out of my pretty little brain. Then said brain was splattered against the wall.
This is, apparently, also a book. Which I’m going to have to seek out. Because wow. If this is what I get from the movie, I can only imagine what I’ll get from the book (*knock wood* please, don’t jinx me, please don’t let me be wrong, please don’t let it be horrible since I opened my damned fool mouth).
This doesn’t just get you through plain old every day fear, either. This really fucks with you all over the place. It’s like it had a party in your brain with Motley Crew and Guns ‘N’ Roses and didn’t tell you. It also didn’t tell you that it invited some heroin junkies and gave you some acid in your sandwich. Every single angle, this thing is coming at you. I loved it.
I think that more horror should be all encompassing, instead of just focusing on the physical horror or the psychological horror. Combining it can make some very beautiful music. Haunting, melodic music carrying a chainsaw. Oh, I know it can go the other way, too. I’ve seen it happen. I’m not an idiot. But more should at least try. If we do not try, we do not learn.
We can take notes from this movie, and spread them all over the place, and hope that little baby movies with this much intensity are born. Or something.
I waited a very, very long time to see this movie. I knew how I would feel about it pretty much right away. I love the Prince of Persia franchise. From the very first one that I used to play in elementary school on the school computers, right up until the Two Thrones. I am wildly, madly in love with these games. I remember being pretty excited when I heard that they were going to make a movie, trepedacious, but excited as well. I hoped beyond a hope that this would be the video game movie to break the bad streak of video game movies.
Then I saw the star.
Now, please, for the love of god, do not get me wrong here. I also very much adore Jake Gyllenhaal. I have seen pretty much everything that he has done in his career, and I have found very little to complain about. I think he’s an amazing actor, and has a great range. So it’s nothing at all personal to Jake.
It’s just that… well.
He’s not the Prince.
My excitement didn’t just waver, it sort of completely and utterly deflated and left me with absolutely no wanting to see this movie. That’s a pretty big drop, really. I see now that I should have expected it, given Jake’s appeal and stardom, who was producing the movie, and the fact that there are only a handful of video game movies out there worth their salt (and no, I cannot name them off the top of my head currently, so don’t ask. [but I can say none of them are by Uwe Boll.])
I waited for it to come up on Netflix Streaming until I would watch it. And I wasn’t even really waiting for it. I was just browsing one day, bored, and realized that it was there. I thought “hey, I have a few hours to kill and no desire to think about anything or put much effort into life, why not”.
While I will say that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be, it was bad. It disappointed me that they had to fuck with the story, they had to give everyone names. There wasn’t enough of the Prince jumping around like a supermonkey. It all sort of fell flat. Especially the ending. Flat. Predictable. Boring. About what I had come to anticipate.
I am glad that I watched it. It’s behind me now. I’ve seen it. I have an informed opinion. I wish Netflix had an added star for “meh”. Between “didn’t like it” and “liked it”. I didn’t turn it off. I didn’t loathe it to the core of it’s being. It was disappointing. I won’t ever watch it again, but I sat through it once. There’s no way to reflect that feeling on the Netflix rating system, and there really should be. I have felt that way about more than one movie.
I know it was exciting for Jake to have a role like this, who wouldn’t say yes to being the Prince? But maybe, just maybe, he should have taken a moment and really just thought it out. Asked himself if he was really right for the part, or if he was a fanboy getting his ultimate dream.
My vote? The latter.
The movie where fucking everybody and their mother dies.
This is just the keyword list that I wrote down to remind me what I need to write about.
Good VS Evil
Knight and Day
Force Unleashed II
Prince of Persia
All the games I have left to play
Silent Hill: Homecoming
the physics of explosions in movies
all the guy ritchie
Achievements for playing online.
All things Vader
They probably won’t appear in this exact order.
I … I really don’t know how to say this, guys. I’m really… I’m really sorry.
I know we all really liked the movie version of Cowboys & Aliens, Daniel Craig did a really fantastic job running around in chaps and hurting people a lot. Really, everyone did a rousing performance in that movie. We enjoyed the way they made the aliens look. We like that the shitty kid got hurt a lot. In general, we just really liked the film.
And in really liking something, we tend to want more of it. So we go around looking for things that can prolong our experiences. Things to make us happy. Things that will bring back that joy we felt while watching shit blow up on the big screen.
Which might lead some of us to the graphic novel. And those of us who find it might become very excited. We might order it on Amazon and wait anxiously for it to be delivered. Once we get it, we might sit for a while, just looking at the cover (a new cover, by the way, not the old one, this one is mighty pretty). We might, then, crack it open to the front page, ready to nestle into our favorite reading spot and relive our glee.
Then we might find ourselves very, very disappointed.
It’s kind of like when you see somebody do something really stupid, but they don’t end up hurting themselves. Or watching a car blow through a red light right in front of a cop, but the cop doesn’t do anything about it. It’s that kind of let down. Enormous. Soul crushing (Okay, that might be going a little too far, maybe).
Pretty much the entire thing is different from the flick, and I can really see why they’d choose to change everything right down to the character’s names, because really, other than the concept, the whole thing sucks. From the start, right to that very last page, you’re going to find yourself wondering what the fuck you just read. Then you’re going to wonder why the fuck you just read it. Believe me, you won’t find a good answer for that. All the reasons previously stated, all that wonderment brought about by the movie, and that need for more of it, it’s going to be gone. Right down the tubes.
Luckily, the movie is so completely different from this bound colorful wad of paper that you won’t even be able to bridge your disappointment of the one to the other. It’s like you’ve seen a Muppet movie and decided to read a how-to guide about frogs to further your fun. There really are only very vague similarities, and those you can ignore or wipe from your mind completely. Don’t fret too much over it. It can be forgotten. I’ve nearly already done so, and it’s only been a couple of days.
I suppose I’ll keep the thing around, because the cover is really very pretty, and I spent money on the thing, so I feel bad doing anything else aside from letting it have some shelf space. But I feel like I really need to spare you from the same fate.
Do not buy it. Do not even read it. If a friend has it and offers to loan it to you, they’re likely trying to pawn it off on you, don’t fall for it. Say ‘Thank you, my good friend, for your thoughts of me on this subject matter, but I must respectfully decline on the basis that you are a liar’. And then maybe quickly leave before your friend tries to sneak it into your car or backpack.
It does make me sad that I have to write words like this about something that should have been good. But I cannot bring myself to lie when things are bad. It’s unfair to the rest of the world. I suffer so that you do not have to. Don’t let my suffering be in vain.
If you like action, and I really mean that you deeply and sincerely like action, I really recommend this movie. There is so much action within this one movie that I dare say that it is the actionyist action movie that ever actioned or movied.
There are so many big name action heroes piled on top of one another in this film that I’m surprised that the cameras filming this thing didn’t explode from their sheer proximity. There are some in there that they didn’t even tell you in the previews were going to be there! They were just sort of surprise action heroes popping up left and right.
I wasn’t sure if Stallone was going to be able to catch my eye with his directing, but why did I doubt? Is he not one of the top tier guys that one wants to see when one goes to see an action movie? Doesn’t he know his shit when it comes to this genre? Of course, and absolutely. Really, he’s the perfect guy to stand behind the camera and tell people what they should be doing, when they should be bleeding, and if their surroundings are exploding.
I had a really great time watching this movie. Absolutely terrific. The plot was a little thin, but then we are speaking of action movies, are we not? And plot is not the reason one chooses to watch this sort of movie. It just isn’t. We watch because we like to see dudes getting the shit beat out of them, because we enjoy ridiculously huge explosions, and well, plot is just not so important here as it is in other types of film. Sure, you have to have some goal, something to get the stars from Point A to Point B, but it doesn’t have to be giant. Or really terrific storytelling for that matter. Not to say that there can’t be, it’s just not a requirement.
Personally, I was pleased. And I was glad to see that there was no Chuck Norris (I am not a fan as the rest of the world seems to be), nor was there Steven Seagal (I hate him with a burning passion). The faces present were perfect for the roles they were put in, and despite the outstanding egos, it seemed like everything fit pretty perfectly, and didn’t feel like an onscreen Who Has The Bigger Dick contest.
Okay, there were a couple of actors that could have gotten put in with these guys and would have fit. And there was one that I didn’t expect to see, and don’t normally think of in this tone, but worked very well.
I don’t want to give too much away actors wise, because there’s got to be other people out there who haven’t seen it. I can’t be the only person who didn’t go see it in the theaters. Which I now regret. This movie would have been so fucking awesome to see in theaters. Oh man.